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Axis Of Perdition: Urfe

26/01/09 || Kampfar

Once upon a time, and not too long ago, either, Axis Of Perdition performed what we like to think of as black metal. Then they discovered that there is much glee inside a tube of glue and that thinner isn’t all too shabby either. Truth be told, (The) Axis Of Perdition never really performed black metal in a straightforward manner, true Norwegian and all that, but fuck me sideways with a blowtorch if “The Ichneumon Method (and less welcome techniques)”, their debut full-length, doesn’t belong in the black category quite firmly. Not exactly what I’d call a classic, fuck you, but nonetheless an easy recommendation for those already into said perversion. And the title is ace, why being explained here:

The Ichnumon Method is a reference (direct or indirect) to Ichnumon Wasps which paralyze their prey and lay their eggs in the still living bodies. These eggs then hatch and the larvae devour the alive from the inside out.

All hail the Satanic Wasps!

Them wasps aside and 2 years after Axis Of Perdition released 8 deleted scenes from a hospital you wouldn’t like to visit. While harvesting these deleted scenes, however, deletion became an all consuming obsession, which explains why they decided upon amputating and leaving behind the metal part of their music at the sick house. Most of it, that is. Nonetheless, them here fucking scenes I’m raving on about made for an interesting ear experience, unpleasant and (quite) vile it was. And after reading “Urfe” to be more of the same, I decided to try brainrape again.

Epic fail and a waste of time, for not only does Urfe rhyme with Smurf, both discs included are also shit to the very core. And not at all rape-y.

Let’s call the first disc H.I.V. and the other one A.I.D.S. So then, H.I.V. starts out with some talking. Then there is some more talking, and even more, before there is more, then the yapper takes a break, but just when you think the actual music will kick in and hopefully grind your brain a bit, tata, the yapping cunt strikes again. And again. And again. Ad nauseam. Puking out my innards. No kidding, on the whole of H.I.V. there is a couple of hits on the drums, a bit of clinkering on the strings, for like 20 seconds, but not one single riff. Just blabbering and some sounds. For 40+ minutes. The purpose of this nonsense is supposedly to scare and invoke feelings of fear upon the listener. Try boredom, you pretentious lot of apes stricken with Downs. Hell, someone obviously broke, no, make that obliterated, yer collective scary-bone since last. Not that you ever made me shit my pants or anything.

A.I.D.S. is more of the same, only with 5-6 minutes of something resembling metal added to the retardation. Nothing more, and this fucking cunt wonders why. I mean, a couple of riffs over the course of 90+ minutes won’t fucking make it into an actual (double) album, it stays a boring piece of radio-theatre all the same. Not even a nice try, you bunch of guys that once had a grip.

So, apart from the flawless English courtesy of the dude more or less talking you through the whole ordeal, I, a musical mongoloid with no sense of recording, could have recorded this. Both discs. Using my penis.

1 out of 10.

Information
Released: 2008
Label: Code666
Website: Axis Of Penis Myspace
Band
Mike Blenkarn: (a wee bit of) guitar, keyboards, programming
Brooke Johnson: yapping, additional guitar (yeah, right)
Ian Fenwick: (5 minutes of) bass
Dan Mullins: (a couple of hits on the) drums

Tracklist
Disc 1:
01. Grief of the unclean I
02. Grief of the unclean II
03. Grief of the unclean III
04. Grief of the unclean IV
05. Grief of the unclean V
06. Grief of the unclean VI
Disc 2:
01. The great unwashed I
02. The great unwashed II
03. The great unwashed III
04. The great unwashed IV
05. The great unwashed V
06. The great unwashed VI

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